Fifty Nifty Things to do to Your Math Professor 1. Submit all homework in hexadecimal notation. 2. Raise your hand every minute on the minute and ask how the past minute's material relates to Fibonacci numbers. (Optional) Approach after class and inform him that you aren't familiar with the f(x) notation. 3. Each time he turns around, insert a cigarette into a new orifice of your face. At then end of class, light them. 4. Keep track of each time he says 'hence'; turn in the tally on a short passage from the bible after every class. See if he gets it. 5. Drag your home PC to class, set it up for use during a class. When questioned, tell him that you have a learning disability for which treatment requires learning 'Interactively using Multimedia on the Information Superhighway, also known as the Internet,' and smile. 6. If he ever says the word projectile, take immediate care of a demonstration. 7. Kick forcefully any person within reach who laughs at his jokes. Laugh harder. 8. When eye contact is made during class, stick your tongue out for a fraction of a second. 9. Play an electronic keyboard until told to stop and ask 'You mean its not an abacus?' 10. Any time the word 'Monoid' escapes his mouth, repeatedly say 'thats not funny' until he moves on. 11. If he/she is lecturing you on your lack of effort, ask him/her why a member of the opposite sex isn't teaching the course. 12. Just at the moment you observe the students in the class dozing off, raise your hand and ask when you're going to get to the female reproductive system. 13. Take notes with two pencils simultaneously. 14. Build a shrine on your desk before class. Place a picture of his/her spouse in the center of burning candles. 15. Anytime you are asked a question in class, answer 'It is an m-fold convolution of itself.' 16. Instead of that, answer with 'This statement is false.' Whatever happens 'This statement is false' till he short-circuits. 17. Act like you're cheating off of you're neighbor's notes during lecture. 18. After each proof, just say to the him "You know... you're right." 19. On the topic of any multidimensional math, give a dissertation on something from your philosophy text. Use the words reality and transcend as much as possible. 20. Whenever he asks if there are any questions, answer 'Many.' 21. Bring a remote control to class and put the prof on pause when necessary. (Optional) Bring a corded remote. 22. Tattoo the word GAUSS on your forehead. 23. Munch on your book every class until you finish it. Tell him your dog ate your homework. 24. Memorize pi to 200 decimal places and write it out as such in your work. 25. In a calculus exam that states SHOW ALL WORK, prove the fundamental theorum of calculus, algebra, and a few of your own before each problem. Demand partial credit. 26. Instead of the proofs, interpret all problems as problems in Mechanics showing everything as the integral of the force applied. 27. During your first exam, organize groups of pills on a piece of paper and label the groups PROZAC, RITALIN, VIVARIN, THORAZINE, VALIUM, ???, and lay them out on your desk popping one every few minutes. 28. Bring an oxygen tank to class and furiously grab and use it whenever he says the word proof. 29. Ask a simple question in class; follow with 'Oh yeah tufguy...' and quiz him on basic addition. 30. Wear a lampshade to class and light it up whenever you think you may have understood something. 31. At the mere mention of chaos theory, jump up and run out of the room screaming PROVE THIS YOU VICARIOUSLY LIVING BASTARDS! 32. Set up a booth before class and sell Vivarin to all the students. Give the prof a freebee. Don't forget to smile. 33. Grow an anti-goatee by shaving the shape of a goatee out of your beard. When asked a question, assume a pensive position, feel your anti-goatee, stand up and scream EUREKA. Then rush out of the room pausing only to leave small shavings of hair on his desk. 34. Give your pencil a blowjob during lecture. 35. Lick your desk clean before all in-class exams. 36. While at the board, make it a point to eat all the chalk except the little stub which the prof will use for the remainder of class. 37. Assert that he is playing favorites with chalks of a certain color. Make it an issue of race and incite a riot. 38. In a time of desperate need, ask him to define the generating function for the minimum number of licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop. 39. Bring a frisbee to class, holding it up and visualizing it in every position in space. Look up at the board periodically and back at the frisbee nodding in approval. (Optional) Here is a perfect example of where one could mix and match. While nodding, light the lampshade from #30. 40. After a couple boardsfull of incomprehensible mathematical chicken scratch, ask your prof if that's how Cogswell makes his cogs. 41. When you see the professor get overexcited at a realization that only he seems to have made, subtly approach him, and offer him some lithium. 42. Go to his office hours, introduce yourself as one of his most admiring students and ask him if he could take the time to watch a short demonstration of the world's finest line of rubber squeegies. 43. At the conclusion of the demonstration, ask for references suggesting each member of the math department. Shoot down any hesitation by stating that they're fellow lovers of math, they'll understand. 44. While presenting an oral defense of your honors thesis, just break down in tears telling them that you're just bad with numbers along with any other relevant childhood memories. 45. During any inspiring recollections of his favorite mathematician, punch him briskly in the solar plexus. 46. Talk about Jurassic Park. Use the word deep. 47. Memorize the proof of Fermat's last theorum one night before class. During the next morning's class, smoke a bowl, stand up, and recite it. 48. Take a keypad, just a keypad, to class and punch away whenever he asks for the use of a calculator. 49. Invite him to a halloween frat party and tell him the dress is formal. 50. At the conclusion of the semester, stand up and thank him for all he has done for you. Cry. Tell him "You're class has made me happier than a motherfucker in a nunnery." Cry more.